Four years ago to this very day, you went to heaven. 1,461 days…

In one minute it feels like an eternity, then with the next bottomless breath, it fees like it’s only been 5 minutes. Its the damnedest thing I’ve ever experienced. I swear to you it is.

So… as we’re all doing today… we’re looking back, reaching down deep, and remembering you… The good times, the old memories, and the last times we saw you, touched you, and smelled you. And I know this is normal. It’s just how we warm blooded humans operate. Its how we cope, how we breathe, and how we face tomorrow. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. And I’m okay with that.

As I woke up a few weeks ago, I realized it was June 1st. Yes, June. I know it’s really just like any other month, and it shouldn’t hit me so hard but it does… It just does. And probably always will. It’s the last month I had with you, the last month of completeness, but it’s the first month I’ve ever grown to hate. I loathe it. At least for now I do.

So as were remembering, feeling, touching, and crying today… I could give you a tear drenched list ten miles long of what I DON’T get to have anymore since you’ve gone on to glory. But I won’t… I’ll tuck that list tightly in the splintered lining of my heart until we meet again, sweet lady… and we’ll relish in every one of them when those pearly gates let me in. I promise.

What I will give you, is a list of things I do get… things I didn’t even realize at the time, things I’m still discovering to this day, and little things God has yet to surprise me with just when I need them.

Here’s what I do get…

I get your eyes. Big, brown, and a stack of compliments of how much I look like you.

I get your skin. Dark, with plenty of moles.

I get your hair. Straight, fine, oily, and lightens with the sun of every summer.

Lord knows, I get your feet. Ingrown toenails, surgeries, and just plain ugly. Ain’t nothin pretty about em.

I get your smile. Not really showing any bottom teeth, and cavities at every dental appointment.

I get your handwriting. Big, mostly neat, and leaning to the right.

I get your face staring back at me when my babies look to me for advice, hugs, and band-aids.

I get to hear your laugh behind tickles, monkey-bars, and summers at the pool.

I get you in the form of butterflies that float down and tickle the noses of four little children who adore you, and talk about you daily.

I get your husband. The love of your life. My Daddy… We’ve grieved you, remembered you, and missed you more than the human heart could possibly sustain. He wears his heart on his sleeves like me, and I’m grateful for every ounce of him.

I get your eldest son. My brother. The one who shares your blood with me. I love him.

I get your sister. Compassionate, real, and steady. The one who grieves with me, cries with me, prays with me, and endures this hell with me… Whether she knows it or not… she’s made me better, she’s enriched my spirit, and given me hope and strength for the next temper tantrum or dirty diaper. I thank you for her. You gave her to me just in time.

I get God. I mean… obviously he’s always been with me, but now so more than ever… Every morning I get his undeserving grace, his just-in-time mercies, and his one and only son. The one who continues to pull me through, the one who manages to constantly mend my perpetually breaking heart, and the ONE who promises me that I will see you again.

I simply get you. Even if it’s not physically you, even if I don’t realize it, and even when I’m so overwhelmed with the thought that their Gammie won’t be here for 5th grade Christmas plays, field trips, and senior proms, I still you get you, Momma… in every day, every picture, every smile, every baby wipe, every sleepless night, every road trip, every holiday, every favorite meal, every song, every ugly cry, every deep breath, and every single labored beat of my heart.

I miss you just as much now, as I did the day we lowered your casket on your sister’s birthday.

So today, I tell myself… I never lost you. I’ve only misplaced you Momma. You’re just right around the corner. You’re in the next room with your cup of sweet tea & extra ice, and in the memories of my children.

I rekindle your memory with every sunrise and relish in everything you’ve given me.

 

What I get, is everything I’ve always had…

YOU in me…